


I Would Die For You

by mango22



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 03:21:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5031826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mango22/pseuds/mango22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin goes back to bury his old friend, sworn enemy and lost love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Would Die For You

**Author's Note:**

> So throw back Thursday (even though it's not Thursday) to the first merlin fanfic I wrote back in May 2013!  
> I was such a naive summer child back then, thinking "oh I'll write this one fic to release all my angsty feels (mainly about Morgana and how my bb deserved so much more and didn't even get a proper burial!) and then move on and be free."  
> Fast forward two years and no moving on has been done whatsoever. Still stuck on this painful non-canon otp.

He stood and watched as flames swallowed Arthur's boat in the lake of Avalon. After his friend's departure, he collapsed on the ground and cried for hours. For all his mistakes, his wrong decisions and everyone he had lost. At dusk he finally picked himself up and his mind went to the other body that awaited burial.

Guilt tore at his heart like a hungry parasite, threatening to devour him, and for once, he let it. Instead of pushing it down and reassuring himself with petty excuses that it was her fault, she made her own choices and that there was nothing he could've done, he let the guilt consume him. He had already killed her, what was the point of denying that it was him who had caused her to descent down that road of madness and cruelty. He had so many chances where he could have saved her, even after she came back from Morgause. He remembered the look on her face in the vaults, her hesitation and doubts clear on her face, as though his words had managed to pierce through for her cold exterior. But the moment passed and her eyes turned hard once more, yet he shouldn't have stopped fighting. He should have tried harder, instead he just resigned himself to the fact that it was too late to do anything anymore. And that's how it went. Each time he just let all his opportunities slide away to save himself and look where it got him? Her wrath had wiped away Camelot's army in that terrible battle at Camlann. So many lives lost, so much destruction and a fatally wounded king. All because he was too much of a coward to give her a helping hand when she was alone and vulnerable. The burden of a thousand deaths lay on his thin, bony shoulders and he felt crushed under the weight.

**He took her in his arms**

**He carried her ghost**

**Through grey stone fields**

**He could feel her float**

His feet trudged forward as he made his way deeper into the forest, until he finally found her. Morgana's broken body looked so small and fragile, her lifeless green eyes staring up at him. He felt his heart constrict seeing her like this, unable to believe he had put her there. He rewinded in his mind and went back to their confrontation.

He didn't know what came over him in that moment. All he knew was that a thunderous rage was boiling in his blood as he looked at the sorceress. He was so angry at her, at himself, at their whole destiny. The girl he knew had been completely obliterated, and that, more than anything, sent him over the edge. He hated the witch that stood in front of him. Could she even be redeemed anymore? That was the question that had always stopped Merlin when he had all those chances to kill her before. Made him use a simple stunning spell instead of killing her simply like he had killed Aggravaine. But it's too late now, Mordred's death was the last straw. She could never be healed again.

_I blame myself for what you've become._

He was in a towering temper, but looked calm on the outside. Her confidence that nothing could harm her made him tighten his grip on the sword, and her voice cut through him. All his hesitation was gone, and in one swift movement he drove Excalibur through her. She had nowhere else to go, so she leaned into him and gripped his shoulder. Even the horror and disbelief in her eyes couldn't deter him and he twisted the sword deeper into her with all his might and relished doing it. That moment would haunt him for all his years to come, but right then, he was merciless. He lowered her to the ground and towered over her. Leveled her with a steely gaze and said coldly, "Goodbye Morgana."

She breathed her last.

That was Emrys, the terrifying Dragon Lord facing the heartless witch. As he looked down at her now, all the hatred wiped from her face, only the servant and the King's ward remained. Tears started cascading down his cheeks as he wondered how he could have any left. He picked her up and cradled her against his chest. He could almost feel her spirit floating beside him, whispering _''Why?''_

She felt like a ghost in his arms, a ghost of his past reminding him of the day he set foot in Camelot. When his ears had turned red and eyes widened in awe as he watched the Lady Morgana glide across the room. He still remembered the first time he saw her.

**When he first laid eyes**

**It was like a curse**

**He felt his heart rise**

**And gravity in reverse**

He knew it would be his head on the chopping block next if she happened to turn around and catch him gawking at her bare shoulders. But he couldn't move, transfixed by woman in front of him. The golden, morning rays illuminated her pale skin, making her exude a pure radiance that should be reserved only for angels. He couldn't control his hammering heart and his temperature rose as he just stood there, cherishing the sight of her.

**Her eyes full of hope**

**Her voice full of mourning**

**And her lips as red**

**As a shepherds warning**

" _Maybe, one day people will see magic as a force for good."_

Her eyes held such cautious optimism and hope for a future when the people of Camelot will accept her for who she was, that he almost told her everything, about his destiny, his magic, his love for her. But he just smiled and caged it all inside, always holding back.

She smiled back too but it didn't quite reach her eyes. Even though she tried to sound happy, her voice betrayed her and he could hint sadness at the way it broke slightly. He tried to cheer her up.

" _It's good to have you back."_

This time, she gave him a genuine smile, as her lips curled upwards. Those lips, damn those beautiful, sinfully red lips. He wanted to capture them with his own and kiss all her pain away. But he snapped back to reality as she held the door open for him.

" _Sleep well"_ she said, and indeed he had slept really well that night, lost in dreams of Morgana's green eyes, red lips and melancholic voice.

**A love so dark**

**Against that moon**

**With a silken cord**

**She spoke too soon**

He was a foolish, foolish man. Even in the face of danger and imminent death looming over his head, all he could think about was how hauntingly beautiful she looked, like a dark forest nymph in that billowing black dress. She looked at him with equal measures of hatred and intrigue, as though he was an enigma she couldn't comprehend. And to him, so was she. Why would she heal him? If anything, he expected her to press her fingers deep into the wound to cause him further pain. He had poisoned her, and here she was, treating him with loving hands, as though taunting him to believe that she could actually care. No, she would never forgive him. How could she, when he couldn't forgive himself? What was that she said again?

" _Oh, you're not going to die."_

She didn't know how wrong she was. His twisted, dark love for her made him die a thousand deaths each day. She held his heart in her hands and that silken cord was more powerful that the stupid rope she had tied him up with. He could blast away the ropes with a flash of his eyes, but he couldn't bend his heart and its innermost desires. She had spoken too soon indeed, for a part of him died the day he killed her.

**He lay her down**

**In the gentle earth**

**And kissed her eyes closed**

**Like it didn't hurt**

He removed the dirt with his magic and within seconds there was a grave in front of him, waiting to be filled. He picked her up again, and softly pressed his dry, cracked lips to her eyes. They lingered there for a moment, as he reflected on how different this scenario was to all his fantasies during his first year, when he would think for hours how it would feel to kiss the Lady Morgana. No, it didn't simply hurt him, it damaged him beyond repair.

He didn't want to let her go, but she had grown so cold and heavy in his arms. _She's dead Merlin, you killed her. Now let her rest in peace._ So he lay her down and covered her with the blanket of the gentle earth.

**She said, "I would die for you"**

**And it all came true**

**It all came true**

He always wondered how the Lady Morgana could even contemplate risking her life for a measly, unimportant little village tucked away in the corners of some other kingdom. Surely she knew that the chances of getting out alive was slim. Of course he would use his magic to protect her in every way he could, but she didn't know that. So he couldn't fathom the reasons behind her decision. But she always surprised him like that. Such a beautiful lady, yet nothing vain about her. She possessed the most kind, caring soul he had ever seen and her compassion shone through when she had stood up for Gwen, saved Mordred and now, his village.

 _Why?_ His questioning eyes searched hers. And her emerald ones answered back. _Because I would rather fight and die for them, for you, than sit back and allow this atrocity to take place._

And in the end, she had died for him after all. It all came true, the prophecy, his destiny and her unspoken promise.

_I am sorry Morgana, I am so, so sorry._

 


End file.
